


Of course, I love you

by floraldrizzle



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Canon Compliant, Connor Murphy & Zoe Murphy Reconciliation, Dead Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen), Forgiveness, It's angst, but i really liked it so its gunna be my first post, i guess you could say?, i wrote this because i enjoy making myself suffer, it's sad, just a warning, sorry - Freeform, this was a request from tumblr, very sad, zoe is mourning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-26
Updated: 2018-10-26
Packaged: 2019-08-07 23:09:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 989
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16417805
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/floraldrizzle/pseuds/floraldrizzle
Summary: In which Zoe visits her brother.





	Of course, I love you

**Author's Note:**

> warning: lots of the little prince quotes
> 
> tw: suicide, depression, mental illness, deh canon compliant so u guys know the drill
> 
> this was a request from tumblr from a bit ago but i thought it was okay enough to post here too!

_“I did not know what to say to him. I felt awkward and blundering. I did not know how I could reach him, where I could overtake him and go on hand in hand with him once more.  
It is such a secret place, the land of tears.”_

* * *

 

Zoe Murphy had about a million other places she could be right now.

It was a lovely day in late June; the sun was out, birds were chirping, kids were playing in their yards. And high school seniors just graduated.

Alana had invited Zoe to go out for lunch after the graduation ceremony. Though tempted, she politely declined, saying she had something she needed to do.

She had also been invited to afterparties, which were  _totally gunna be awesome, you should come, Zo!_ , to which she also turned down.

No, this was far more important than some stupid party with a bunch of drunk, newly-graduated students from her class, or a nice lunch date with her girlfriend. This meant so, so much more.

Zoe had hastily changed out of her graduation gown after smiling brightly for the photos her parents insisted on taking. After they were done, she told them that she had to go do something and hurried out.

She made her way to the little flower shop at the mall ten minutes away from her house. She chatted with the lady at the front counter, who recommended what flowers she should get and what they represented.

So she walked back to her car, a bouquet of mismatched flowers in her hands that any gardener would have shook their head at. The colors clashed oddly, but it was okay. They had their meanings.

Zoe turned off the radio as she drove to the cemetery. A rare occurrence. Being in a car and not blasting music was almost unheard of for her.

She parked, turned off the car, grabbed the flowers, took a deep breath, and stepped outside. 

Her feet effortlessly carried her over the path she had taken so many times. 

The first time had felt like she was walking in slow motion. Or like she was trying to wade through a knee deep swamp of maple syrup. But it had been close to two years, now, and she could walk normally.

Rows upon rows of gravestones rolled past her until she found the one she was looking for. It wasn’t small. It wasn’t big, either. It was exactly what you would expect a kid from an upper middle class family to have.

Zoe sat down at the foot of the gravestone, not caring about getting dirt on her dress. She set down the flowers in front of her before looking up to stare at the words carved in front of her.

_“In one of those stars I shall be living. In one of them I shall be laughing. And so it will be as if all the stars were laughing, when you look at the sky at night.“  
― Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince_

_CONNOR MURPHY_

_2000 - 2017_

She took a deep breath.

“Hi, Connor.” 

The stone still gazed coldly back at her.

“I know it’s been a while. I’ve just been really busy. Y’know, finals, graduation…” She trailed off, picking at her fingernails. “That’s not an excuse, I know. I’m sorry.”

There were a few moments of stiff silence.

“Hey, I uh, I got you flowers.” Zoe finally spoke up again, nudging the bouquet forward more. “The lady at the flower shop said they represent asking for forgiveness and healing and shit. It’s kinda stupid, I know.” She huffed an awkward laugh.

“You remember how you used to braid flowers into my hair? When we were little? Mom and Dad would to take us to that park, and there were all these flowers growing around the playground, and Mom taught you how to braid, ‘cause I thought the flowers were pretty, and I promised that you could pick the next game we played if you did my hair for me.” She felt the burn of tears threatening to fall as she spoke, quickly wiping her eyes with the back of her hand.

It was almost embarrassing to be crying over that. It was so pointless and silly at the time. They must have been 6 or 7. Connor probably barely remembered it happening. 

Just, once he was…  _gone_ , Zoe replayed all of their  _good_  moments over and over and over, trying her absolute hardest to cling onto any good memories she had of him. And now they were all imprinted in her brain.

“I graduated. I’m going to college in the fall.” She said once she had regained her composure. “Mom and Dad still haven’t touched your college fund. They uh, tried to give it to Evan, last year. He refused.” She explained. Talking about last year gave her the all too familiar feeling of guilt, pain, heartbreak,  _hurt_ , that she found it difficult to find any other words to say.

“That means I’m not gunna be able to visit you as much.” Zoe finally realized out loud. Oh. 

She couldn’t help the hot tears, stained gray from mascara, from streaming down her cheeks at that. Fuck. “I’m still going to, though.” She managed to say. “Promise. You can’t get rid of me. I’m your sister.” 

Another wave of emotion swept over her, causing her to furiously blink the tears out of her eyes.

“I wish you were here with me. I wish your life hadn’t gone to shit. I wish our relationship hadn’t gone to shit.” A pause. “In another life, I guess.”

She let out a choked sob.

“I’m sorry.”

An ethereal calmness swept over her out of nowhere. She smiled softly, wiping her tears away with the backs of her hands.

“I miss you.”

* * *

 

_“”Of course, I love you,” the flower said to him. “If you were not aware of it, it was my fault.””_

 

 


End file.
